This is for all my academics... Often times I feel like I am hiding inside of School. This is a two fold problem. Inside of school I feel like I don't belong and can't compete academically and as I approach the work force I fear not knowing what the hell I’m doing. Before I get into that, let me set a foundation. I am currently in the process of finishing my PhD program in Clinical Psychology. I am literally working on the last pages of my dissertation. Yet, as I close in on completion, I have noticed my anxiety rising and an old familiar feeling resurfacing. This feeling is like a whisper in my ear, a rumble in my stomach. The feeling is one of doubt, fear, and shame. All these feelings I now know are what is called "the imposter syndrome". Look it up, it's a real phenomenon, especially among minorities in higher education. The imposter syndrome makes me feel like I will be found out as incompetent by my classmates or future employers. I have been dealing with this feeling through out college and now graduate school. What makes it even worse for me is that family and friends just don’t believe it. To them I'm one of the lucky ones, “I made it". But like a good friend told me recently, trying to explain the pain and challenges of academia are like trying to describe riding on the back of the bus during segregation, you just had to be there! I am sharing these feelings because knowing that I am not alone has helped a lot. To all my folks that have and are having these feeling know this, your, my, ancestors fought for us, we are their dream in motion. We literally come from the best of the best. Seek out a mentor, and I am not limiting that to people that look like you. One of my greatest cheerleaders is a White woman at Stanford. I remember one day while working on my dissertation, she was helping me with something I felt I should have known how to do-which is a burden of the imposter syndrome, I constantly feel like I should know everything-she heard my pain as I sad I didn't know how to complete the task she asked me to do. She said to me "don't feel bad at all; I have had to help white graduate students at Stanford way more than I have had to help you” We both laughed. In closing I just want to say that you count, you are here, and your people need YOUR greatness!
2 comments:
Great thoughtful comments! Feel reassured in knowing that your insight and thoughts are genuine, on pint and could not be created by anyone who truly was an imposter.
Thanks for sharing your experience. As an immigrant woman of color, and as I try to find my niche and develop my professional identity I often feel the same way. It is unfortunate and often deliberate that we don't find cheerleaders in those around us. Even those that look like us sometimes find it hard to be supportive and understanding of our plight. This is hard when we do well and particularly hard when we want to do well but feel like we cannot because of internal and external barriers, real or perceived. Finish those last page. Your people need YOUR greatness!
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